So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You were trust falling into bushes
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
