she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
