i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
