I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i think i have herpe
just one?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize