he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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