He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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