it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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