hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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