We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
