I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
