I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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