He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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