I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
