if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
