good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
