I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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