I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
