Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
