chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize