I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
