There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
