A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
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