i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
