the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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