The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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