soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
