Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
