Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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