Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
