I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You can't special order awesome
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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