dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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