Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
