Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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