I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
