First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
even my farts smell like vagina
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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