I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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