I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Randomize
