Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
