you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
