U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
