I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
