Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
