i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
