don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Everyone says I win the strip club
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
