I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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