I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
