My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
