I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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