I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You made out with two different species that night
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
