8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
