I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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