Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
