i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
there is glitter all over my balls
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