Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
