I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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