Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
