i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
