i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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