If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
