..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
